


I'm in Here

by selfinduced



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood's bottled up feelings, Alec doesn't know it's not Jace, M/M, Parabatai Bond, Rape/Non-con Elements, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2019-02-12
Packaged: 2019-06-20 23:39:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15544776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/selfinduced/pseuds/selfinduced
Summary: "I know you're in there." Lilith comes forward, "Jace Herondale." Her hand brushing into his, voice soft, "I know you're suffering," Her eyes intent on his face before she walks back around to face him. "When I'm done using you, you will return to find your friends dead and your world on fire." (Lilith in 3x06)or:Alec is drinking. Which is odd enough by itself to be a cause for concern, even if it wasn't with his new head of security. But the Owl is focused on Isabelle's date, glowing with all the virtue necessary to be an appropriate last blood sacrifice for Jonathan, and Jace can't let him know that he would rather turn his head to look at Alec, and risk drawing his murderous attention to his parabatai instead. But that moment of hesitation where the Owl has to assert control over turning his head is enough to tip him off.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Luna: They passed up a golden opportunity by not giving us drunk!alec with owl!jace  
> me: [instafic]

> "I know you're in there." Lilith comes forward, "Jace Herondale." Her hand brushing into his, voice soft, "I know you're suffering," Her eyes intent on his face before she walks back around to face him. "When I'm done using you, you will return to find your friends dead and your world on fire, burning at the hands of the son you so callously took from me." She comes forward, hand on his cheek, "And when you scream, and beg for death, I will smile."
> 
> \--Lilith, 3x06

 

-

 

Alec is drinking. Which is odd enough by itself to be a cause for concern, even if it wasn't with his new head of security. But the Owl is focused on Isabelle's date, glowing with all the virtue necessary to be an appropriate last blood sacrifice for Jonathan, and Jace can't let him know that he would rather turn his head to look at Alec, and risk drawing his murderous attention to his parabatai instead. But that moment of hesitation where the Owl has to fight him for control over turning his head is enough to tip him off. It turns Jace's head towards where Alec is stumbling out the back door with the new guy.

 

"Alec, wait up!" Jace's voice calls out of his body, eerily cheerful as it follows them out. The Owl even knows how to laugh like him, "What are you--are you drunk?" He waves a dismissive hand at the other shadowhunter Alec had been talking to all night, "I'll take it from here, thanks man." _No. Nonono, please Alec, tell me to go away, tell me you're going to see Magnus. Don't be alone with me._

 

"Ja-ace." Alec says carefully, standing with his feet apart probably for balance. Jace has never seen him this drunk, slurring his words slightly as he speaks, "Un'erhill said I should take a cab home. Don' tell mom ok? Tell 'er I--I'm tired."

"I'll bet," The Owl shakes Jace's head and grins up at Alec, looking probably exactly the way Jace normally does. "C'mon hot shot, I'll take you home." He puts a hand out to press into Alec's back and guide him into the cab, and keeps it there when Alec leans into it, turns to him and collapses on his shoulder as soon as they're inside.

"Jace," Alec breathes, voice low and miserable.

"What is it?" The Owl asks, just as softly as Jace would, "Is it Magnus? You've been avoiding talking about it all week."

"He has a box."

"Mmhm." The Owl puts his arm around Alec to pull him close and kiss the top of his head, pausing longer than Jace would have let himself, blatantly breathing in the smell of his hair, confusing Alec and torturing Jace. 

"And each thing in the box is a separate person. A whole person he dated, he--he lived with and loved and then they got old and shriveled and probably ugly and died."

"Ah," Jace wraps both arms around him, pulling him close, speaking into his temple, "And you're next. You think it'll be one of your arrowheads in there next that he'll keep after we're dead."

"S what I said!" Alec sits up to point a finger into his chest, holding his face, "You always know. Even when I don't say it."

"You don't have to," The Owl cups Alec's face, leaning in far closer than Jace would dare, "We share a soul. We're nephilim. We love once, and fiercely." Jace is alarmed when their faces seem to sway into each other, "You can't deny your nature."

 

"Alright you two, it's your stop, no need to get too excited back there," the taxi driver calls out.

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

The Owl hands the taxi driver some bills and steers Alec inside the Institute and all the way to his own room. Alec, who's gotten more and more clingy the closer they got to his room. Jace is torn between needing to see him safely to bed and wanting the Owl to be as far away from his parabatai as possible. But he's a passenger in his own body, watching helplessly as Alec leans sweetly towards him and tries to help get his own boots off his feet.

 

"Ja-aace." Alec runs both hands in his hair, "You're really okay?"

"Never better." The Owl turns his face up, smiles back open and inviting in a way Jace hasn't in a long time, maybe ever, not _this_ inviting. 

"Good." Alec is leaning closer until his forehead rests against Jace's, eating up all this touching Jace wouldn't dare initiate anymore. "Missed you. Miss--" He grimaces, "It just felt wrong, everything's felt wrong since--"

"That night, I know," the Owl turns his face and presses up so he's talking into Alec's cheek, "I'm so sorry I've been lying to you about that."  _NO YOU CAN'T TELL HIM. NONONO ALEC! DON'T LISTEN TO HIM!_

 

"I knew it. I knew--" Alec shoots back to sit upright, suddenly not so drunk with his parabatai rune glowing. But Alec doesn't realize what it means, and Jace can't do anything more than push at their bond. Alec activates his iratze to remove the alcohol from his system. "Start talking, Jace."

"Hey, hey, calm down. I'm telling you." The Owl goes to sit next to him on the bed no matter how hard Jace tries to pull him back, make him leave the room, shut his own mouth to keep the words from coming out. "Valentine succeeded in raising Raziel. He also killed me."

Alec gasps, touching his parabatai rune.

"Clary killed Valentine--we told the truth about that. And then she asked Raziel to bring me back."

Alec's mouth moves soundlessly as he stares for a second before leaping on Jace's body, arms crushing him in the tightest hold he's ever pulled Jace into, not letting him breathe, and the Owl just lets Jace's body melt into it, clinging back just as tight. As if Jace would be so selfish. As if Jace would--what, resist?

 

Would Jace be able to resist the way Alec's hands are moving over his face, back, his arms, his hair, all the skin he can reach as if trying to make sure Jace is still there, still in one piece, pressing his mouth tight into the side of his head like it's one more form of inspection, before it turns into more presses, deliberate touches of his mouth, lips closed and dry but burning like sweet fire onto Jace's skin, the shaved sides of his head, his jaw, his cheeks, coming to hover over his mouth as Alec rests his forehead against Jace's again? 

He's so fucking weak for it that he's soaking it all up. Maybe he'd be better at getting control over his body if he didn't want this closeness so bad. _No. No that's not true. I would never put Alec in danger like this. I would never have told him. Not even if it meant he would hate me and hold it against me forever for lying to him. I wouldn't. I have never allowed us to be this close. I have never knowingly let our love for each other put Alec at risk._

 

"I wanted to die, Jace. I felt you and I didn't want to live. The only reason I could keep moving was so I could get to you."

"I'm here," the Owl brings Jace's hands up, clinging back just as tight, touching Alec's face with palms wide open and intimate, "We're together." Tilts his head and angles his mouth up, eyes half closed with an invitation Jace would never give. Not like this. And Alec senses it, frowns down at him. _Yes, Alec. This isn't me. I wouldn't do this. Leave. Get away. Please Alec--_

 

"So you and Clary--"

"Are over," the Owl keeps Jace's arms around Alec, not tight, but enough to let him know he was wanted, "She made an impulsive wish. It was shortsighted of her, but I couldn't exactly tell her no--"

"I would have done the same thing."

 

Jace feels the words like a punch to the gut. It makes sense of course--but they _shouldn't_ , and Alec should know better--

 

"I know. I know I should know better. I didn't grow up a mundane, I know everything and maybe, maybe I can hope that I would have the presence of mind to make my wish bigger, bring something good for the rest of the world too, but I don't know if I really could, if I could risk that it wouldn't bring you back if you were there in front of me and I was feeling the way I felt that night. I would do anything." Alec trails off, quiet, words breaking apart, "Anything," his lips brush over Jace's forehead as he whispers. 

Jace lets the steady warmth of him wash over his entire body, trapped as he's been in endless cold corridors in his own mind. Alec's touches and his voice and the feel of his arms, the safety in the curve of his neck where he tucks Jace's face, hand on the back of Jace's head and other arm secure tight around his waist. Safe, home, _love_ \--

 

The Owl purses Jace's mouth and presses it forward against Alec's pulse on his neck right under his jaw, smirking when he hears Alec hitch his breath.

"Jace," Alec sounds breathless and broken, pulling back to look down at him, searching.

_It's not me. I wouldn't. I would never mess with you like this. Slap me. Push me away. Tell me you're with Magnus._

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: rape. Not physically violent, but because Alec thinks he's with Jace, and Jace doesn't have control over his own body. If for some reason you clicked on this story despite the archive warning, you can skip this part specifically and the rest of the story will still make sense.

"Jace," Alec says again, choked and desperate, mouth slanting over Jace's like a pause, until the Owl makes a sound that Alec will recognize as Jace, not knowing any better, and opens up Jace's mouth and invites Alec in. Of course the Owl lets him feel this, how easy it is to fan the hidden embers of Alec's feelings into a blazing fire, feel what it's like to have Alec kiss him like a raging storm, lightning striking directly into his blood so he's swept up too, blind and deaf to anything but the way Alec looks surging down at him, the sounds he makes when Jace's mouth kisses him back, how he gathers Jace up until his feet are off the floor, and when Jace moans, climbing at him, Alec's hands go to the backs of his thighs and pull him up even more so Jace can wrap his legs around him, lick deeper into his mouth, swallowing the end of the oath Alec has been quietly intoning into the kiss-- _"where thou diest, I will die, and there will I be buried_ \--"

His parabatai rune burns into his side like it's being activated and Jace jerks back, starting to fall off as he realizes he has control over his arms and legs, landing on his feet and opening his mouth to speak--

 

But it's already gone, and the words that come out are calculatedly hushed, "It was so cold Alec, I was all alone." 

"You are _never_ alone," Alec rushes to close the small distance between them, kisses his forehead, "I know now, and I'm here."

"I shouldn't have," His fingers trail down Alec's opening lips as he speaks directly at them, "But the only time I feel warm is when you touch me," He looks up to meet Alec's eyes, letting through all the emptiness and yearning Jace usually keeps hidden, that Alec will recognize from having felt the echoes of them anyway through their bond, "Sorry."

 

Alec doesn't even let him finish the word, mouth covering his and hands on his skin, rubbing up his arms, on his back under his shirt, giving recklessly from himself because he thinks it's Jace, and the Owl takes it up greedily, where Jace would be careful. Whispers encouragements and pleas. And somewhere in there, when Jace's lips are on his neck, teeth grazing his collarbone, Alec makes a low sound in his throat, fingers digging into Jace's sides and hips pressing together. They both gasp at the pressure. Alec pushes him back and looks at him with wild eyes and Jace is reeling inside, hungry and horrified at losing himself in it.

 

But his face moves on its own, lips open in a wide smirk, tilting his head up at Alec with a sideways look before the Owl has Jace's arms throw Alec onto the bed, climbing on him and holding his chin to pull him up into a kiss.

Alec reaches up and over his shoulder to pull his shirt off, lifting up on his elbows to look up at him with eyes bright and trusting, mouth wet and open and dark, and Jace loves him, Jace loves him so fucking much, loves the taste of him, the way he licks his lips, the scrunch in his forehead, and the way his broad chest is heaving with sweat-- _I'm so sorry Alec, I'm--at least let me be the one to do this part. I swear I won't tell him anything. You want me to suffer, I'll suffer more if I can tell him and I don't. I'll suffer more if I'm the one who did this to him. Just let him have the real me._

 

"You're so beautiful," the Owl leans forward to say directly into Alec's ear, watching the way his lashes flutter down, kissing his cheekbones under them, hands in his hair, cradling his face, looking into his eyes with all the tenderness Jace feels, all the adoration, "I love you, Alec," Jace thinks, and the words come out. Jace breathes on his own, taking in a deep inhale that's almost a sob. Maybe Valentine was wrong about love in general, but maybe he’d also raised Jace so that it was true for him. _His_ love destroys.

 _No._ He resists the thoughts possession is pushing at him as if they’re his own. _I would never act on it. All these years and I’ve never touched him how I wanted to. Even after I knew how he wanted it too, I never gave in. I never let him think it was an option. I never let him choose me in a way that could hurt him. This is not me._ But it’s happening because he loves Alec. Because he let Alec love him. Didn’t push him away enough.

 

The Owl dips his head to gaze back at Alec, who turns his face into his hand and kisses his palm, cradling Jace between his legs and arms and pulling him close. The Owl doesn't stop to let him think, grinds down just enough to make Alec wail, rock back up against him, throw his head back and bite his lip, looking up with his eyes glowing like a seraph blade, blue light around dark pupils.

"You want me inside of you?" It's Jace's voice, gravelly and thick, holding his eyes with sweetness that will make Alec stare back at him shocked and breathless, cheeks flushed even darker when Jace's body leans over to unerringly pull the right drawer open to find the lube he knows will be there, because he knows his Alec, even the things he shouldn't, the things they don’t talk about, the things that are betraying them both right now to the evil of Edom--

The Owl leans down to kiss Alec's neck as he ghosts a hand down the front of his fatigues, presses the heel of his palm down on the bulge just as he bites into the bottom tip of his deflect rune, and it works frustratingly well. Alec shivering and fumbling at his pants and barely done kicking them off before pulling at Jace's, hunger and glazed eyes as his hands and mouth try to reach every part of Jace, his quiet Alec, always more comfortable speaking with his body, his touch, nuzzling his nose into Jace's neck in a way that would paralyze Jace with heat, make it hard to focus.

 

But his body is still moving, pushing Alec back and kissing down his body, not hurried or perfunctory--no that would tip Alec off--Jace can feel exactly what's working for Alec and what Jace knows, the Owl knows, stroking up the inside of his bare thigh, cupping his balls and pushing his thumb down under them, circling it around his hole and licking up the length of his cock with his tongue flattened and broad. Alec is swearing above him, keening and tossing his head as one of Jace's fingers push inside him and--just rests there, "Fuck, Jace, please, Jace I want--" a choked sound when Jace curls his finger in and presses along the wall, searching, " _J-ace_." There. He smirks against the side of Alec's cock, kissing and sucking while moving his fingers until Alec's writhing and pulling at his shoulders.

He crawls back up, pushing Alec's knees apart as he goes, kneeling between them as he looks down at Alec, letting his hair fall on his face knowing Alec will reach up, tuck it away. Takes Alec's hand and turns it palm up to pour lube onto it before pulling it towards his own cock. Alec looks at him with his mouth open as he works his big hands up and down, fingers so long, calluses imprinting on Jace's skin like their own secret language when it comes to this, too, as well as everything else.

"I belong to you," Jace's voice is saying, "Take me in," whispering in Alec's ear, "Let me fill you up" he kisses Alec's shoulder, "Let me show you," as Alec's hands pull at his hips even as he's pushing his way inside. 

And when Alec's thighs shake, and his hips rock forward, Jace rolls in and out to meet him, gentle until Alec speeds up, makes him go faster. Jace finds himself in control of his body, or at least his own hips--thrusting into Alec, but his mouth doesn't move, and his spine is molten heat and his balls are drawing up tight and when his mouth does move, it's to cry out Alec's name as he comes, one hand moving frantic and arrhythmic on Alec's cock, slick with Alec's come, collapsing onto him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: It's not violent, so it may not be obvious, but neither is assault always violent in real life. I know that might seem unnecessarily non sequitur to some--when in real life do you have demon possession making consent impossible, you ask? Why bother mentioning ugly real life things instead of just letting you enjoy a fictional scene you might find hot?--and the answer is, enjoy what you want. I am not the moral police.
> 
> However, this note is here for anyone who _did_ read and is uncomfortable. If you have some sort of reaction on the spectrum running from 'hot, but a vague sense of unease' all the way to 'full blown triggered'. I want to tell you that your reaction is logical and warranted. You are correct, there is no consent here. No, it's not a "grey area" or "consent issues" or "dubcon" or what have you. And yes, in real life, we do sometimes think we're giving consent and enjoy something only to find out later that we didn't have all the information, and it can have horrifying consequences both emotional and physical. I wrote this to explore _exactly_ those demons and nuances. My exploration may or may not be useful for you.
> 
> I once read a book where a main character was raped and her magical powers were tied to her virginity so she lost them after being raped. I cannot begin to describe how angry I was at the thought that a) the author considered rape to be sex and not assault b) her characters are "badass teenage girl warriors" who are, theoretically, supposed to empower teenage girls who read her books and c) what the hell is virginity anyway, does she think women who have only had sex with people without penises are virgins? Or does she think a penis-shaped piece of plastic has a more important role in defining someone's sex life than a living breathing human without a penis? I read the whole trilogy looking for whether she would ever _acknowledge_ the issue or discuss it in more depth, and give some sort of explanation that showed she had a modicum of understanding why that whole plot point was fucked up. (She didn't.)
> 
> So for anyone with a sensitivity and/or who thinks about this a lot, like me, I want you to know that I did not blithely write this to romanticize the lack of consent. The aftermath is coming.


	4. Chapter 4

His phone has been buzzing on the floor in his clothes for a while, but the Owl deliberately ignored it. He knows what Jace knows, that Clary will come looking, will be frantic after a day of Jace not even bothering to look at her. 

"Should you get that?" Alec whispers into his mouth with a kiss, glowing and satisfied and exhausted, legs sliding against Jace's as he mouths lazily at Jace’s neck, his jaw.

"Nah, everyone important is right here." He kisses Alec's cheek, "The alarms would be on if there was an emergency."

He hears the distinct pattern of Clary's footsteps, faint if not for his heightened hearing, and cups Alec's face to hold it in a kiss just as Clary pushes in the door. The Owl had deliberately left it slightly open, and now feels her eyes staring at them, making sure they're angled so Alec won't see her any more than he can hear her.

Jace doesn't have to have his eyes open to know how it looks when Clary's eyes fill with tears, the downturned hurt in her mouth as she runs away in horror. He might not feel the same love for her anymore after Lilith’s potion, but he would never hurt her like this. That’s exactly why the Owl does it. His Queen will be pleased. All the easier to break Jonathan's sister when the time comes.

"Did you hear something?" Alec pulls back with a frown, "Shit, is the door open? Was it open this whole time?"

"Just a crack," the Owl smirks, he walks over to close and lock it as Jace watches helplessly, going back to the bed where Alec is up on his elbows and watching with soft eyes. "I'm sure no one noticed."

Alec flushes, but reaches forward to stroke his knuckles on Jace's bare hip and looks up at him from beneath his lashes, “Stay? There’s a lot—I know there’s a lot to figure out. But we can do it tomorrow?”

 

Jace pictures copies of Alec’s dead body scattered endlessly around the room like Clary has been in his dreams these past weeks, bloody, sometimes with the knife still stuck inside him. He screams and screams and screams inside his head, wanting to run away, push at Alec.

 

But his body does none of these things, smiling warmly at Alec before curling around him in the bed.

 

Alec will be asleep soon after the week he's had, Jace can feel it. _No Alec, don't fall asleep, please stay awake. Please fight. **ALEC!!!**_

 

Jace pushes at their bond with everything he has, finds it crackling and flaring with more energy than ever before, as if it's grown somehow, become more, his whole body vibrating with energy as he draws on it. Pain lances through his head as he struggles against Lilith's control. 

"You okay?" Alec strokes his forehead, going up on an elbow to look down at him, "Why does it feel like you're in pain?"

"Alec," Jace manages, touching his head and _pushing_ one more time.

Alec's eyes cloud over and he stills, and Jace feels himself fall back into the darkness.

 


	5. Chapter 5

The dream starts like always with Jace on the bed, asleep and awake at the same time. Time is meaningless here, repeating itself over and over. Now there’s Alec in the bed with him. Warm. Arms around him tight. Alec’s mouth on the back of his neck—Jace shivers, arching back into it before he can stop himself. “Alec, please go. You have to leave.”

“Why?” Alec kisses below his ear, hand reaching down across his belly to trace over his parabatai rune, “I can feel that you need me here.”

Jace turns to face him.

“I can feel that you need me close,” Alec holds his face, leans forward to kiss his forehead.

“Alec no, this is a trap. All of this is wrong. I can't do this with you, too." Jace sits up, "She’ll make me hurt you. She’ll make me—” shudders wracking through his body as he realizes that unlike Clary in his dreams, the real Alec is probably unconscious right next to him on Alec's bed right now. If he kills Alec in this dream, it could be real.  

He scrambles to get away, but Alec comes with him.

 

“This is the oddest dream.” He brushes his thumb over Jace’s face and kisses at his tears. "It doesn't feel like a dream. I heard you shouting, but it was in my head and you were in pain so I-- _reached_ for you, because you were reaching for me? I don't remember falling asleep." 

"You what?" Jace looks at him carefully, and then around the room. The bloody bodies all over the floor have disappeared.

“Who is ' _she_ ' Jace? I can feel your fear, I know it’s real, I—” they look down to see that their parabatai runes are glowing, “It’s like this is real but it’s not. Am I—are we inside your mind?”

 

Jace clutches urgently at his shoulders, “Alec listen to me. If the real you can hear me, you’re not safe. The Owl, Alec, it’s me. It’s my body. Lilith—is using me.” He stumbles through the explanation, telling him about the possession, about Jonathan and the sacrifices, and finishes raggedly with, “She did something--I used to wake up for Clary but now I don't feel--I don't love her anymore? I don't know what she did. She wants to get back at me for killing Jonathan. She’ll make me hurt everyone I love, and then she'll make me kill them. Alec—" the name comes out as a sob, “I need you to kill me. Please. If you don't, when I wake up, he's going to kill more mundanes for the sacrifice, and then he's going to come back for you--" Jace sobs.

“Jace, breathe,” Alec rubs his hands up Jace's neck, pressing their heads together, “Focus. Do you feel that?”

Jace feels a rushing torrent of power between them, swelling out of its usually contained stream of energy to surround them completely, permeating their bodies and crackling out of their fingertips like magefire.

 

“I think our bond is trying to break you free. I’ve been feeling something blocking between us and trying to push through it all night. You felt off for weeks, but it didn’t go away even after I sobered up and we talked, and we--were so close tonight. But even when you were." Alec flushes, voice dropping, "Uh. I could only feel you for seconds at a time. I thought it was because of what you said—you coming back from the dead, but if it's Lilith, we can't wait for it to get better.” He pulls Jace’s hand to his own flank, “Here, you push too.”

Jace nods, body still wracked with sobs, "I'll keep trying, but I think you'll have to go when you wake up, and you can't trust me, Alec. You have to do it. You have to kill me. If you don't--I think he'll head for the hospital next. Izzy's date was a virtuous mundane, and even if I don't find him, the hospital is a crowded place full of do-gooders. And after that, it'll be you and Izzy and Clary and--" Jace's voice breaks. "Everyone."

 

"I'll be ready, Jace, I promise." Alec hugs him close, their hands on each other's runes, trying to feel out the new form of energy their bond has taken. "Jace, look," he holds up his hand and Jace lifts his own to mirror it, light shooting out of their palms like Clary's but there's no new rune, just… more power from their parabatai runes. That seems to have a mind of its own, excited, almost anxious, to keep spreading, to _do_ something.


	6. Chapter 6

Jace becomes aware of light and movement and being in his body again--bright lights everywhere. It's the hospital. He was right, the Owl is back to looking for virtuous mundanes, at the very least, Izzy's mundie doctor friend. Jace panics before he realizes his parabatai rune would tell him if Alec was dead, if the Owl had killed him in his sleep before leaving the Institute to hunt. Probably would have raised the alarm too much if he did it now, but Jace knows it's coming.

 

His phone rings. "Missed you this morning." Alec sounds hesitant.

"I miss you _now_ ," Jace's voice comes out honeyed and low, "Just had an errand to run."

"Jace, I had this really weird—this is gonna sound crazy but I just. Can we talk?"

 _Alec be careful,_ Jace thinks.

"Sure, wait for me at the office, I can bring lunch." Jace’s voice drops even lower, "Or _you_ can be my lunch."

"Jace." Alec admonishes but he sounds calmer, "No, let's talk now. Tell me where you are, I'll come meet you." 

"Now's not a good time, babe." _As if Alec is going to go for that--I would never say it like that._

 

" _Babe?"_ Simon's voice comes from behind him, "Don't even have time for whoever you're cheating on Clary with?"

He turns to see the vampire glaring at him with clenched fists, wearing a visitor's badge. Jace wonders who he’s here to visit. Behind him are Maia and Clary.

Maia puts her arm around a red-eyed Clary and steers her away, "Come on, Fray, Becky's room's this way." Simon's sister?

"You are so lucky we're in a hospital. I really want to punch you in the face right now. Just give me an excuse." Simon looks up and down the empty hallway around them.

The Owl drops the phone and advances on him, "Really," and his voice is chilling enough that Simon frowns, backing away, especially as a seraph blade appears in his hand.

 _Nononono don't. Simon run. Run you idiot please run. Simon!!_ Jace watches his own wrist snap casually in a circle to imitate moving the blade in a precise line around Simon's neck, decapitation being the only way a metal blade could kill a vampire.

 

Clary, who never listens to anyone and stopped to turn and stare at them screams out, "Simon!" but it's Jace who goes flying through the air and through a heavy glass window before he can even get close.

 

Simon's forehead glows, and Jace remembers the mark he'd thankfully forgotten about, hoping it had been resolved by the _Praetor Lupus_ , as he hurtles toward the garden below. _Good,_ he thinks, as the world turns dark and slow.

 

 -

 

"What did you do?" Alec's voice. Crying. How did Alec get here so fast? Did he remember their dream? Had that been real?

 

"I didn't--I didn't think he would ever actually try to hurt me--I--" Simon, distraught. “But you kept him from hitting the ground, right? I saw you with the glowy hand thing. Is that—magic? I didn’t know you could do that. You have healing runes and stuff, right?” Simon continues, while Clary and Maia try to pull him away. "I didn't think--Alec. I'm so sorry, I didn't--"

 

Alec isn't looking at any of them, cradling Jace on the ground, watching his glassy eyes come back into focus, bones snap back to the shapes they used to have. "Please be okay, Jace," Alec's arms are tight shaky, stele trembling in his hand as he moves it over Jace's iratze again and again, a mantra of "Please," and his name and Jace wishes he could reach up and touch his face. Tell him this is the best way things could have gone. That he’s glad, and it doesn't even hurt anymore.


	7. Chapter 7

A light that Jace can tell is _good_ spreads over them, beautiful and bright like the angels and _adamas_ , but warmer. _Loving._ He hadn't expected the love in it, filling him up until he's bright too, wounds and darkness disappearing like cuts and bruises healing. His arm moves up when he tries to lift it, and his hand touches Alec's face. _Let me go_ , he tries to say.

When he opens his mouth to say the words, the light seems to get stuck in his chest and stomach, his head spinning and he can see the Owl glamor flickering on and off.

 

“The dream. It was real?” Alec makes a sound like all the air has been knocked out of him. “Jace, answer me.” 

Jace nods, turning over to heave. Black tarry demon ichor--what feels like gallons of it, rush out of him as his insides clench up over and over. _Not dead, then._

“And…” Alec looks like he might be sick too. “Last night?”

Jace can't look at him, stumbling to his feet. The Owl is trying to spread through his veins again, trying to skitter away with his body, and for once, Jace doesn't want to fight it, not wanting to see Alec's face, let alone Clary's behind him, or Maia and Simon.

 

"Jace," Alec runs after him, but he can't quite run up the side of buildings as high as the Owl can, "Jace," he sounds like Jace feels--how Jace has felt since last night--like his insides are ripping apart and maybe he doesn't deserve for it to heal. "Jace we'll figure it out," Alec shouts after him, "If you can hear me, it wasn't you."

 

-

 

"You failed to find my last disciple before being discovered and now your friends will be everywhere looking for you." 

The Owl kneels, accepting her blow to his face and her anger.

"You will go to Idris instead, before they expose you. Bring me his father's remains." She raises a hand to dismiss him, holding it for a moment, "The little game with your parabatai and Jonathan's sister was delightful. Do take the chance to kill your grandmother if the opportunity arises. Killing your last remaining family will please me very much."

"Yes, my Queen."

He accepts her kiss the same way he did her hitting him--and somewhere inside, Jace watches it all with a sinking feeling, how familiar it is to be abused and commanded and rewarded all at once, by the same hand. As a child he'd thought that's what love was.

Now he knows that was just Valentine's twisted teachings--and wonders if this too made him a good vessel for Lilith. Weaknesses for her to exploit and use against the people he's too weak not to love. He knows what Alec or Izzy would say. Or Clary or Maia, or even Simon. But they weren't raised by a monster and trained to be one.

 

-

 

It's nighttime in Idris when he arrives, though the Owl has pushed him so far inside his own head that he can barely tell where they are, trapping him in a darkness that seems to be growing smaller as he paces inside the Inquisitor's office, knowing he will soon kill his grandmother. _You'll need my help to blend in in Alicante, Imogen is very observant, she will notice--_ he tries to bargain with the Owl, but no luck.

When Valentine recaptured him and had him beaten, he had held on to the memory of Alec. Their bond. His abiding love. But he's ruined that now. He has nothing. No strength to draw from but himself and he's not enough. He turns his head as he senses an unexpected presence.

_You are never alone. Jace, if I can hear you then I hope you can hear me. It doesn't matter what she makes you do. It's not you._

 

Not Imogen. Is Alec reaching him all the way from New York somehow?

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The only way to keep parabatai apart is if we do it ourselves."

"It's always good to see you, my boy," Imogen says when she sees him in her office, but her smile doesn't reach her eyes, and the Owl notices immediately, whipping out a blade, throwing it with lightning speed. 

It sticks in the air in front of her as if into something solid, leaving her unharmed. _Oh thank the Angel, please run._

Alec, Izzy, and Clary come inside from behind her, Alec's hand raised in front of him like he's a warlock throwing up a magical shield. Of course. That's why he and Alec were able to sense each other. He's also seemed to learn how to use some of their magic, which is good. Hopefully they won't get to the developing madness part of the parabatai curse before Jace manages to kill himself.

Alec moves both his hands into a fist, and a wall of light comes forward to wrap around Jace's body, trapping him, yanking him into the portal Clary opens up, depositing them all into Magnus's study.

 

-

 

Isabelle is stabbing swords into the floor in a box around him, and when Jace is released, walls of blue light have gone up around him to cage him inside.

"Neat trick, babe." Jace's voice comes out incongruously light and unaffected, his mouth grins widely at Alec, who avoids even looking up at him.

 

"Did he tell you how he got it?" he turns to try Magnus instead, "You see, when parabatai _make love,_ and I do mean _love,_ not just virtuously pining away in denial or meaninglessly fucking, but crying out my name as I make him forget anything but me moving inside him, anything outside the two of us, pulling me closer with his legs around my waist because he wants me all the way, every single inch, can't bear for our bodies to be apart when our souls are already one, the bond becomes _more_. He's drawing directly on angelic power, and wielding it the way I wield demonic energy. _Magic._ The Clave is afraid of anything powerful that it can't control of course, so it's forbidden, and the true reason buried in superstition. No, they," the Owl waves a hand at Alec, who is frozen in his spot next to Izzy and Clary, all of them gaping, "have no idea, but you've been around long enough to suspect, haven't you? The minute the Clave learns about what your precious Alexander here has done, he _will_ be executed." 

Magnus rolls his eyes, continuing to prepare ingredients for a major spellcasting, even as Jace cringes inside at every horrifically twisted thing coming out of his own mouth.

"But he's not really _yours_ , is he? And here you are, still risking your life to help him. Do you know how easy it was? How he gave in to his craving for me the moment I looked like I just might _let_ him?" 

"Shut up!" Alec steps forward.

"He kissed me first," the Owl continues, looking at Magnus, "Picked me right up off the ground, so strong, I bet that's what you like about him, and the way his nails dig in when you fuck him just right--"

 

The wall of light comes forward to squeeze tight around him again, lifting him off the ground.

"Alec, you're hurting me!" he looks at Alec with tears in his eyes, sounding just like Jace, and Alec stops immediately, rushing forward apologetically. Clary stops him. "That's not our Jace, Alec." 

"Kinky," the Owl smirks, "Is this working for you? Because your boy thinks it's all kinds of hot that you can restrain him like this. Wonders if he could do it too. I do eventually have to kill you, but," he murmurs as he looks up at Alec through his lashes, "I could make it good for you," drops his voice low, intimate, "you're so beautiful when you beg, my love."

Alec stares like he's not sure whether to hit him or cry, lifts a hand and twists until the light wraps around Jace's mouth, gagging him for a second before the Owl raises an eyebrow and waves his own hand, making the gag disappear. "We have the same power, parabatai," he blows a kiss. 

"You are _not--_ "

 

"Stop, save your energy." Magnus says brusquely. "If he's working this hard to keep us out of his mind it means he knows it'll work and he's stalling."

"And why are you trying to help Jace? He's your main competition." The Owl looks between them, walking back up to Magnus, "You may share his bed but if your precious Alexander could have only one of us, who do you think he'd pick?"

"I've been around long enough to see through you. The Jace I know would never put Alec in that position." Magnus lifts his hand casually and twists, cutting off the Owl's words, and smirks "And _my_ magic will still silence you just fine."

_Yes, thank you Magnus. Alec I'm so sorry._

Magnus turns to Alec and Izzy to start the spell, light coming out of his hand and blazing from Jace to Alec, their parabatai runes glowing.

 

The Owl reaches out to touch the walls of his magical prison, pain shaking through him until it disrupts the magical attempt to connect Alec to Jace. "Alec!" Jace's voice shouts, eyes watery with pain. 

Alec leaps in front of him, blocking the stream of magic until Magnus stops.

_No, it wasn't me, Alec, I can take it, try it again._

 

"It's not Jace, Alec," Clary reminds him again, "Jace would never make us stop because he's in pain." 

"No, but Jace is in there. That  _thing_ is trying to make us hurt him." he turns to the Owl as if looking through him, "Jace, I'm not giving up, ok? I'm coming for you, just let me try something else."

 

-

They leave him alone to confer in another room when Luke, Simon, and Maia arrive.

"We got your message, you found him?" Luke goes to join them, leaving the Owl with Simon and Maia.

"Ah, Daylighter, always following Clary around like a puppy even though you're supposed to be dating someone else."

"Yeah? You wanna go again? Worked out real good for you the last time, didn't it?"

"I wasn't really trying to hurt you that bad, you just rushed me," he rolls his eyes, "I know better than to forget the mark of Cain."

"Mark of Cain," Simon touches his forehead, frowning and sharing a look with Maia. They both pull out their phones, murmuring at each other in hushed voices and ignore all of the Owl's following jibes and attempts to goad them.

-

 

"It's too dangerous, Alexander." Magnus rushes after Alec carrying a grimoire. 

"He's right Alec, Magnus should do it and I'm coming with you no matter what," Izzy stands firm in front of him. "Last time you tried something like this you almost died and this time there's no Jace to bring you back."

"No, it'll be fine if I do it myself. I know what I'm doing, Magnus just show me how you channel your magic so I can copy you."

 _No, Alec, what are you doing,_ Jace thinks frantically, _I don't know if you can hear me like you seemed to before or you're just sensing me but please don't try anything by yourself. And definitely not with Izzy. Please, Alec, I'm begging you._ But the Owl jumps on this, of course, seeing an opportunity to goad Alec into exactly something stupid like this.

 

"He just wants to get me alone," the Owl winks, turning to Alec, "If you wanted another go, my love, all you had to do was ask," his voice pitched low as he looks Alec blatantly up and down, "there's no need to go to all this trouble, I would fuck you anywhere."

He holds his hands up in mock surrender when Alec raises a threatening hand crackling with angelic power.

"Fine, by all means, bring her too, put her at risk. What will you sacrifice next, hm?" turns to Magnus, "Has he asked you to speak to your father yet? Because Jace can feel that he wants you to. Did you tell him it might be a one way trip or at the very least, the loss of your immortality? Do you think he couldn't guess? Did he tell you he's nothing without me?" turns back to Alec, "Who do I have to kill before you give up? Your mother? Izzy?"

Alec's body blazes and he screams in pain as he charges at the magical barriers holding the Owl in, but Alec somehow passes through it mostly unscathed aside from the pain, tackling the Owl to the ground, blade against his throat.

The Owl lifts an eyebrow, then softens his face with Jace's wide eyes and trusting grin, and lifts his head, heedless of the blade pressing into his neck and the thin line of blood that starts welling up around it. His mouth purses and eyelashes flutter half closed with invitation. It's a deliberate mockery of the time Jace had vowed ' _I don't want to be alive if we're on different sides, Alec_.' "You would never hurt me, my love, not when you're under the delusion that you can fix me."

"Fine." Alec tightens his jaw, raw rage battering through the block of possession on their bond like it had cut through the energy field of the Owl's prison, "So I love him." He blinks, a tear falling onto Jace's face, "But Lilith forgot something." When his eyes open again, they're glowing, and their parabatai runes activate.

The wave of Jace that's always reaching for Alec starts to spill out despite the Owl's control, even though Jace isn't sure if he should allow it, he can't stop himself, power singing out of him towards his parabatai, crackling forward and building dangerously.

"There's no potion that can erase Jace's love for _me_. "

 

The Owl, alarmed for the first time, starts to fight him off, flipping them and pinning Alec down with demonic strength, but Jace is fighting him too, from inside.

"The only way to keep parabatai apart is if we _choose_ to let go." Alec continues even as hands wrap around his throat to try to cut off his words.

 _What are you doing, Alec?_ Jace pulls at the Owl with tendrils of his newfound power, managing to make the hands trying to choke Alec shake and stiffen and draw apart.

"Even if our bond gets cut and we're deruned, he will _still_ choose me because I am a _part of him_. We became parabatai because we were _already_ bonded and Jace and I will _always_ choose each other, and no one," Alec jabs up an elbow, "Not even the Queen of Hell," frees a hand to reach for Jace's side, "Can change that." Shoves energy like a lightning bolt at Jace's parabatai rune as if trying to blast the Owl with pure magic, "Jace  _now_."

Jace shoves forward just as hard to meet him, and with a wrench from both of them, Alec is inside Jace's mind.


	9. Chapter 9

"Alec get _out_ of here!"

"Jace," Alec is back in Jace's bedroom, running straight for him, needing to hold, touch, feel that he's real, _his_ Jace, not the monster wearing his face, but Jace is shouting.

Jace can feel him feeling it all, but what he says is, "What were you _thinking_ , it almost _killed_ you," with his voice broken, face wet with angry tears, "I could barely stop--"

Alec closes his arms around him, "Shh, it's ok, it didn't hurt me, I'm fine, I'm right here," clinging and pressing his face down into Jace's, "It's ok, we're ok," kisses Jace's temple and cups the back of his head, whispering into his cheek, "I've got you, alright?"

Jace's body moves in jerks against him, sobs silent as he keeps his face hidden against Alec's neck, but his hands are on Alec's face, in his hair. He kisses Alec's jaw, "I love you, never forget that," his voice cracks in Alec's ear as he braces himself and Alec unknowingly holds him tighter, murmuring reassurances when Jace makes a wet, choked sound.

The hand he felt brush past his thigh holster had taken his dagger, and the wetness spreading under his hand on Jace's shirt is _blood_. 

"Jace," his hands are frantic on Jace's face, his back where his shirt is wet and sticking, _Jace, Jace, no, Jace_ , crumpling as the world slows and Jace starts to crumple, and Alec goes with him, cradling him in his arms like he had only a few days ago, except this time with blood--so much, Jace didn't know his body could hold so much, that he could be this cold--Alec throws his head back and screams--for Raziel, for Ithuriel, God, _anyone_ \--screams and screams until the whole world goes white.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is short because i wrote it on my phone at work. proper length next bit coming soon!


	10. Chapter 10

 

He wakes up in what looks like Magnus's spare bedroom, but the view out the window is definitely not Brooklyn. His hand is holding Alec's, who's right there next to him. He looks down to see his chest bare except for bandages, no blood, no visible damage, rising and falling in time with Alec's breaths, and it hurts, he can feel the ghost of the seraph blade he'd driven through his own ribs--echoes of the blood filling his lungs and choking his breath, Alec's screams, but knowing at least that he'd done what he could. That his body couldn't be used to hurt anyone, wouldn't be a conduit for Jonathan's return--

And now?  

They must have stopped him somehow. And he's not dead, but he's not exactly strong enough to sit up, either, let alone find another weapon. He feels Alec stirring and slows his breathing, calms his blood so it looks as if he's still asleep. When did it become so instinctive to hide from his other half?

 

He feels Alec put out a hand to touch above his heart, shaking, grasping at Jace to make sure he's real and exhaling with relief, lifts the bandage to check the wound. Alec's stele warms his skin, not burning the way it does used by anyone else--parabatai runing is almost pleasurable even for normal pairs, has always been special between the two of them to the point that they avoid doing it around other people, but now it's crossed the line into feeling like it's Alec's mouth on his skin and not his stele. Jace barely holds back a stuttering sigh, though his body arches slightly.

The wound doesn't change at all when Alec activates the iratze on Jace's side, though. He doesn't know if he's disappointed or relieved.

 

"You're awake," Clary's voice comes from the doorway, "Come get food, talk to Magnus and Izzy, I'll keep an eye on him."

Alec pauses for a long moment, and Jace knows he's considering insisting that they all come in here to talk to him instead, but he does leave.  

Clary doesn't come in, though he can hear her right outside the door, paper scratching sound that means she's probably drawing something.

 

-

 

He feels Alec walk--the layout of the place is identical to Magnus's loft. That magical moving thing Magnus does, then.

"We moved you when Jace started bleeding from his chest and you were both still unconscious. We weren't sure if Lilith would be able to track him and know where to find us."

"Where are we?"

Magnus touches his earcuff, something unidentifiable in his tone--echoing. Withdrawn and remote, probably to hide pain. "Somewhere in the Atlantic. I transferred us to a cruise ship that keeps a suite ready for my use, it was docked near New York but I persuaded them to head back out a day early."

"I don't know how to thank you." Alec says, distress rising in him, "Magnus, about earlier--"

But Magnus stops him, "I am not in a state to discuss this matter right now, Alexander. And I do believe it is my prerogative to choose."

"Of course, I--" Alec nods miserably, and bites back more words, "Thank you."

 

-

 

Jace looks at the door and tries to do whatever magic he and Alec now can apparently do, it obligingly latches locked. He turns towards the balcony and forces his body up--it hurts like hell and he can't quite block it all from reaching Alec, but he makes it to the railing. They really _are_ on a ship.

Alec is back, on the other side of the door, his presence frantic and breathless, but when he knocks, it's soft. Entreating. "Jace?"

Jace looks at the water below them, the gray waves blending into the gray of the sky. Is it dawn? Dusk? Getting darker, and the moon is out, so dusk.

 

"Jace, please let me see you,” Alec’s voice is gentle but the urgency, the need to be physically close tugs at both of them. "I know you need to see me." 

Jace waves a hand at the door and it opens and shuts behind Alec as soon as he steps in.

He stands for a while, watching the line of Jace's back, smooth and whole and not covered in blood. It's odd, seeing himself through Alec's eyes--the things he pays attention to. How he looks for a scar, traces the runes on Jace's back, gaze making Jace shiver, the northern ocean air a freezing chill around them having no effect because of their heat runes.

 

"You know we don't blame you." Alec's voice is a soft echo of his own four weeks ago when he'd told Alec no one blamed him for Jocelyn's death. Alec stops in the doorway, keeping his hands still at his side by force. “It wasn’t you.” 

Jace's voice, when it finally comes, is hollow and cold, “It knew how to manipulate you because of me." 

“And I'm the best way to get to you.” Alec steps up to the railing next to Jace. “I know.”

 

Jace reaches for him and reels backwards as if shoved when Alec holds up a hand, the bottom dropping out of his stomach. _Alec doesn't want to touch him_.

"If you touch me, I'll want," Alec's shoulders hunch up, "Things that weren't really you." He looks out over the horizon, "For one day, I had something I never--that I know is impossible." His words are hoarse, scraping their way out of his throat, “What it's like to kiss you. What it's like to have you kiss, I--" he feels the tears Alec doesn't allow out of his eyes collect instead in down the back of his throat, "I should be angry, hate remembering, it should make me sick, but it just makes me sad. Makes me feel stupid. Because I knew something was off and I still went with it, I was so--" Desperate. "There were moments you were just you, and I should've known there was a reason for that, but I didn't want to. I'm sick."

"You're not sick," Jace whispers, the words Alec said to him what feels like a lifetime ago but was only a few weeks. There's a lot of that lately. "No, it’s," Jace glances up at him but they can't meet eyes for too long, "It was me, you weren't thinking clearly."

“Was it,” Alec swallows audibly, “Did it just do what you knew I wanted? Was any of it—”

“It knew what I wanted. How I feel.” Jace says, low and tense.

Alec is turning to stare at him, mouth softening, eyes too bright—

 

“Alec, no,” Jace stares hard at the churning waves below, "I can feel what you're feeling when you look at me. You're seeing me as if I'm the same Jace you've always known but I'm not. I can't. Alec, I watched him--I let someone do that to my parabatai--with _my_ body." He doesn’t jump but it’s a close thing, "How can you even look at me?"

"Do you think I need my eyes to know you? We don't just see each other physically. You know that's why I kept pushing about Lake Lyn. You _felt_ different. I knew something was holding you back from our bond. When you admitted you did die I thought that was why."

"You said something like that once--"

"In the dream--yeah."

"It wasn't a dream." Jace bites at his lips and clamps down on his expressions as he remembers Alec's mouth on his neck, at his ear, his forehead, under his eyes kissing at tears—grief and self hate and want roiling inside him. He doesn’t deserve that touch. This. Any of it.

"I know, I know that now," Alec clears his throat, "Right now we're--closer than we've ever been. I don't think our bond has changed completely but we're using magic, and I can feel the--our bond wants more. You feel every time I exhale, every time my heart races. And I can feel every self destructive intention you have when you look out over that railing, so I don't see him--it. I see you, I see Jace, I see--" holds his face, "the boy I've loved immediately and without hesitation since the moment I saw him ten years ago." Alec raises his chin, voice quiet and dangerous, "Jace, everything that we--everything that happened. No one was controlling me."

 

"And that makes it okay?" the self-loathing alone threatens to drown him, "I knew we could never really--but I wanted--I wanted these things for us. And now those moments are gone. Poisoned. I let it take them from us _. I_ took them from us. If I had resisted enough, our bond wouldn't have changed--it's me, it's because I--"

"Ok, first of all, don't make this only about you." Alec cuts him off, "So we'll have some bad memories, we'll make new ones. Maybe it'll take time and maybe it'll be awful but you don't get to run off to maybe _die_ because it's hard."

Jace looks up at him then, his reddened eyes and the vulnerable set of his mouth that he never has around anyone else but Jace. Not even Izzy. Tough as she is, she's still his baby sister. _Alec needs him._ He lets go of the railing and turns to face Alec fully.

 

"And second, our bond isn't completely different. Not like the stories we've heard about where parabatai can practically bring each other back from the dead with their runes. I couldn't even heal you more than you were already healed when we woke up. Yes, I knew you were awake, we'll definitely circle back to that. But, given your extra angel blood, you should probably have sprouted wings by now somehow if we were tapping into unprecedented levels of angelic power. All we've got is some mild telekinesis."

Jace's insides lurch violently, "Alec--that’s not better, that's--it just means--"

"Yes I know, I know what it means." Alec's face wavers and then he's leaning over the gutter by the railing, throwing up.

Jace rushes over immediately, pushing Alec's hair out of his face and touching the back of his neck, and Alec turns into it, presses his cheek into Jace's hand.

 

"When you fell when we were kissing, every time when there was a pause, I felt something, like jerking awake, and I didn’t ask, I didn’t _think_ ,” Alec’s knuckles are white clutching at the railing, "When you said you love me and it sounded like you were crying."

"It killed me to watch you."

"Why didn't you hide and leave the Owl to it?" he doesn’t know if Alec is yelling at him or at himself.

"I was trying to stop it. I didn't know when it was going to kill you," Jace starts, then stops before trying again, "And because I couldn't let you be there alone like that. I begged it to let it be me." He says hoarsely, "I'll leave. Turn myself in to the Clave."

 

"And then what? Let them execute you?" Alec's voice rises with every word, "No, no, maybe, if we're _lucky_ , they'll let you live. If you help them bring down Lilith, and they don't know about what we've done to our parabatai bond. Then what?"

"I can stay with Imogen."

"Without me? For how long? How long do you think we could stand being apart like that?"

"Our--your father and Michael Wayland, they managed."

"Yes, because my dad was an asshole who let it go. He fucked it up with his parabatai just like he fucked it up with my mom. Because Michael Wayland was gay and fell in love with him. He didn't say it, but I guessed when he wanted to _warn_ me that homosexuality and dating downworlders might only be frowned on, but romantic love for your parabatai is forbidden _by law_."

"You never told me."

"No, I didn't." pain from Alec's chest squeezes through him, "And that is the one thing, the _only_ secret, that I've ever kept from you. Never anything else. Not from you."

"I've only ever lied to protect you, Alec."

 

"I am _so_ fucking sick of you _protecting_ me!" Alec shouts against the wind, "we're _parabatai,_ we protect _each other_ , not--lie. You lied about dying, you lied about knowing how I felt, you lied about how _you_ felt, why? Because you thought I was better off being miserable and closeted and leading the Institute? Did you think my parents would kick you out if they knew? Did you think I would tell them? Maybe it wouldn't have been the same for me as it was for you and Izzy but that wasn't your choice to make. You asked me to be your parabatai--and I was so in love with you I couldn't say no to anything you asked. It killed me to come to our binding ceremony. To give up any chance of ever being with you. And you fucking looked at me like it was what you wanted more than anything." 

"I wanted to be close to you more than anything." Jace is hushed, barely audible over the wind. "I told myself my love for you was safe because I figured out a way to be with you forever without getting too close. And now I've," Jace holds out his hands, staring at them, choked off.

"You love me so you decided to protect me _from your love_ by having defined parameters to our relationship. Do you fucking see that?" 

"I do. Now." He takes a deep breath. "I didn't then. It's a hard training to break. The last piece of Valentine, I,"

 

"I'm not the falcon, Jace. You don't have to find a way to make everyone accept it so they don’t hurt me to punish you and teach you a lesson. I know that’s how this feels, but--"

"The Clave--"

"Isn't here right now. It's just you and me. Can you at least admit to me--" he scrubs at his wet face, "I've been beating myself up my whole life, and these past weeks have taught me that being out, being who I am, hasn't kept me from being a leader and--the magic--it's too late. We've already--we've already changed our bond, so you might as well come clean--"

"You already know."

"I need you to tell me," Alec blinks rapidly, gasping soundlessly for air, "I need to hear it."

 

"What do you want me to say, Alec?" Jace whispers hoarsely. _That it was intoxicating? That I remember how you taste? That touching you, kissing you--_ "The demon never let me feel things physically when it was in control, until that night. That was the first time--and I was so lost in you that it was the most effective way to control me. Paralyze me with how it felt so I couldn't be sure I _wouldn't_ let him do that to you, make me realize what kind of monster I really am inside that made me such a good host for the Owl, how if anyone knew they'd never want me--none of you would--"

 

Alec squeezes his hand around Jace's arm until he stops, "You were a good host because you were brought back from the dead. Lilith made you do those things because you were the one to kill Jonathan and this is revenge," keeps his grip tight when Jace tries to move out of it, "No, let me talk. You say these stupid _, awful_ things--how you're a soldier as if Izzy or I aren't, too. You're not fucking expendable compared to us. How you're a monster, as if Valentine actually _was_ your father. Just because you picked up his training enough to be the best fighter we have doesn't mean you picked up on every sick thing he tried to teach you. I don't see you running around trying to kill off downworlders instead of protecting them."

  

"I couldn't stop him, I tried everything I could think of, killing myself with the blades I had there already but they didn't work."

"Jace, stop!" he shouts, "Do you know what it's like for me to hear you say things like that?" Alec's voice breaks completely and Jace reaches for his face, hesitating until Alec moves right into him, pushing at his chest and clutching at the same time. "The greatest pain a shadowhunter can feel is the loss of his parabatai and today you made me feel it while I was holding you in my arms."

Jace collects his frantic, shoving hands, and kisses them one at a time on the palms, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Alec," he peers up at Alec through the hair falling across his face, "I didn't think there was any other way, I'm still not sure there is."

 

"I don’t fucking care. You know damn well I can't live without you." Alec falls into him and shudders violently.

Jace holds him like his arms don't know how to do anything else, safe and loved the way he always holds Jace but doesn’t let Jace do it back. Maybe he's been too afraid to expose himself, to get lost in it. Jace does get lost in it, presses Alec to his chest, the sharp stubble of his cheek scratching at his bare, newly healed skin, his hand cupping Alec's head, arm wrapping around his waist to keep him close, nuzzling his hair and breathing him in as Alec shakes and breaks apart.

Alec never cries--it's something he trained himself out of when they were children, between his parents and their expectations and needing to be the oldest with all the answers for Jace and Izzy, he's the one who holds and comforts, not the other way around. At best he gets choked up and blurry eyed and has a need to hit things until he can't move, even in the last two months when they've all been pushed past their breaking points and then some.

“Alec,” Jace murmurs, stroking his cheek, "Alec, Alec."

"Don't you dare say sorry again," Alec rasps angrily, fingers digging into the bare skin of Jace's back as he folds onto his shorter frame, turning and tucking them together as perfectly as they always have through all of their height changes growing up.

"I won't," Jace promises, "I--I'm so used to thinking I'm poison I don't always remember that you need my love too," he runs warm hands on Alec's cold face, his neck, on his lower back under his shirt, and Alec moves into it, sniffling into his neck and breathing deep.  Jace feels like his skin is stretched too tight, hot under Alec's cheek and his palms, strained and new. "I'm here, you have me," Jace soothes him, "My Alec."

"Yes thank you, exactly," Alec responds, just this side of petulant.

"What?" Jace smiles despite himself.

"Your Alec. Your parabatai. Your--" he pauses, the tips of his ears red, but, "Yours," he finishes determinedly.

Jace hums agreeably, and kisses the side of his forehead, "I loved you right away too, you know. I didn't know what it was called then, I'd never known anyone but my father. The only friend I'd ever had was that falcon and he killed it. When I saw you--I know, you hate that comparison--but that _was_ how I felt. I felt that, but more. Like I already knew you before we ever met. I watched you with Izzy and I was so jealous I asked her if you two were going to be parabatai. I only calmed down when she said no and I knew that someday we would be closer than blood. I already knew, even then, you had to be mine. I needed you to be mine. So I had to hide you."

  

“Jace,” Alec cups his face, and Jace moves into it willingly, "It's not any less fucked up to be stuck in your body watching it hurt people you love than it is to find out--all of it is fucked up." He lifts up to look down at Jace’s face, "Neither of us are ok. Maybe we won't be for a long time. But I can't imagine anything I wouldn't suffer to be with you. So be here. Hold me. Help me figure it out."

 

"Did you figure things out with Magnus?"

"Yeah. I mean, no, but--"

"I'll talk to him. He knows it's all my fault."

“Will you shut up for a second? Again, I knew what I was doing that night. That's how it was going to go from before that. He was ready to love me, but I rushed into it like a twenty-one year old shadowhunter and he," Alec feels lost, "He is neither of those things."

“Oh, Alec,” he cups Alec’s cheek."

"You're right, I'm not ok. But it's not because I see the Owl when I look at you. I hear its laugh in my head when I’m alone, the things it said, how it twisted everything--I think of the way it manipulated me and I feel--I can't put it into words but you feel it from me. I _need_ you to help me get through that, I need--I need you." His breath hitches, “I always need you.”

Jace pulls him down and kisses his forehead, "I'm here," brings Alec's hand to his heart, "This is me," carding his fingers through Alec's hair as he puts his head on his chest, whispering over and over, "You have me." 

 

"Do you think we should," Jace says after a while when Alec’s breathing has calmed down, kissing his knuckles, "We can actually have sex if you want."

Alec jumps back, "Ok, _what?_ "

"If that will help--"

"In what universe is that the definition of helping?"

Jace’s arms already miss the warmth of him, but Alec’s ears are burning an adorably indignant shade of red, so it's a success. "Like a do-over, and we have full control this time. Rewrite the--"

"And you--want this. Want--" _me_ , Alec doesn't say, digging his fingers into the sides of the bridge of his nose long sufferingly.

"I would never knowingly come between—if you need to process through what we--through all this so you can go back to--"

"Jace stop talking."

Jace opens his mouth.

Alec narrows his eyes at him, "I mean it. Just. Stop helping."

"I wasn't!" Jace holds up both hands and raises his eyebrows in the way that always makes Alec frown sternly and makes Jace laugh and want to kiss it off his face, "I was gonna ask what do we do about Lilith. I don’t know what else of Valentine is left in me, but I’ll fight all of Edom for you if I have to." 

"I'm not sure," Alec relaxes, making a face right back, "Are you feeling any urges to experiment on me and our unborn children with angel blood?" 

" _Our_ unborn children, huh?" Jace teases, but the sharp pang in his chest carries over and he knows Alec feels it.

"Jace," Alec touches his face, ignoring all the rules and etiquette they’ve established over the years, eyes soft and wondering, then nods, "He's dead. He doesn't matter. You're not of him and you'd make a great father. We would. Iz will have our heads if we aren't. Clary too, probably, she's very… Pushy."

 

Jace laughs shakily at the insanity of it, pressing into Alec's side. Just like that, they’re back.

 


End file.
